Doing the right thing can be so hard. It becomes significantly harder to do right when we’ve been wronged. There are countless tragic stories of wrongs that have been done. The sequel to many of those stories is a wrong response that adds to the pain. It would be nice to avoid that mess. But how do you do right when you’ve been wronged?
There is no simple formula. There are, however, two sentences of practical instruction on this topic that are packed with wisdom and stand out in clarity. They were said by Jesus and recorded in Matthew 18:15.
Here they are…
Matthew 18:15 Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.
Take in the wisdom phrase by phrase. The first seven words set up the situation in which these instructions most directly apply.
Moreover if your brother sins against you…
This word connects these two sentences to a larger context. It is a continued thought. We will come back to this point.
Moreover if your brother sins against you…
It matters who does you wrong. These two sentences apply to brothers. Although the Greek word can refer to male siblings, it is not limited to that. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus was not referring to siblings but to believers.
Moreover if your brother sins against you…
It matters what they do. These two sentences don’t apply to mere annoyances. They tell the right thing to do when the wrong thing can be called “sin”. These are wrongs that cause you to sincerely worry about the spiritual health of the one who did them. I may personally not prefer a style of worship, approve of the pants my friend wore to church, or agree with a perspective of another church member. This is not sin. This should not involve others and risk division in the church. Overlook annoyances. Confront sin.
Moreover if your brother sins against you…
Matthew 18 refers to personal offenses, not something you heard someone did to someone. This is not a job description for a Sin Police. This is not about searching for sin in the lives of church members. We don’t have to call out every sin we see. It is personal connection that puts us in a position to confront sin.
…go and tell him his fault between you and him alone…
When Jesus said. “If your brother sins against you…” his next words were a call to action not a lament about their action to you. This means that we can do something about it. We are not helpless victims whose wellbeing hangs on the hope that the one doing us wrong will choose to do right. They may have wronged us. We get to choose our response. Our focus should not be on their wrong action but on our right reaction. You can’t take control of their wrong action. You can take responsibility for your right reaction. No matter how bad the situation, there is always a Christlike next step for us to take. There is not always an easy option but there is always a right option.
We must not let our fear of the situation cause us to doubt the positive outcome of doing the right thing.
…go and tell him his fault between you and him alone…
Where do you go? To “him”, the person who sinned against you.
What do you tell them? Their faults!
We are good at detecting wrong when it is done to us. When someone has an issue with us and they talk to others about it, we are offended and ask, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
I personally prefer avoidance over confrontation. How about you? But we know better. I have good objections (i.e. “I am a sinner too.” and “It probably won’t work”). We need friends who loves us enough to expose our sin. And we need to be those friends to others. It is done in love, but not in weakness.
…go and tell him his fault between you and him alone…
Keep sin small! Right reactions keep the impact of sin as small as possible. Gossip magnifies sin. If we go to their sister, pastor, or ex-girlfriend we spread the impact of the sin to them and we launch sin back on the one who wronged us. When we don’t yet have the courage to talk to them, we should have the respect to not talk to others about them.
Our inability to follow the first step of reconciliation in Matthew 18 has driven thousands from the church. When we have the right conversation with the wrong person, we do wrong by everyone involved. We don’t struggle to talk about sin. We struggle to talk about it with the right people.
“…If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”
Success in confrontation is when you are heard. Jesus did not say, “if he agrees with you”, “if he shows that he is truly sorry”, “if he complies with your demands” or “if the conversation meets your expectations”.
So that’s all? Just listen? We should not be disappointed that success is “just listening”. Listening is powerful. If we judge listening to be too low of a standard in receiving critique, we have too low of a standard for what listening is.
Listening to a Matthew 18 confrontation requires humility to hear your sin exposed. Basic teaching on active listening will tell us that it requires that we don’t defend, argue, brush it off, ignore, deflect, or spend the whole time formulating our response. That’s hard work. When someone honestly and actively listens to you in a difficult conversation, don’t prescribe the steps of their repentance, thank them for listening.
“…If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”
The goal is reconciliation. We don’t confront to gain leverage but to gain relationship. It is not about winning arguments but winning friends. It is not about their condemnation or your vindication but the relationships reconciliation. If you don’t care about a relationship, you have no need to tell them their sin.
Reconciliation is a big deal for God. To him, it was worth dying for. And having reconciled us to himself he made us ministers of reconciliation. God’s heart is for restored relationship. (Corinthians 5:17-21)
Remember the first word of the verse? It was “moreover”. I said that it connected these instructions to the verses that come before it and that we would come back to it. We will do that now. Notice the theme of reconciliation in the verses that surround verse 15.
These are the words of Jesus. The quotation begins all the way back in verse 3. Jesus was responding to the question, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” (v.1). He took a child on his lap and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (vv. 3-4). This is significant. Some of us are too timid to confront. Others of us have enough pride and confidence that we are too eager to confront. Confrontation is not about being great. It should be an act of humility. To confront in a way that loses people is counterproductive. Reconciliation is worth humbling yourself.
He continued to instruct his followers to cut off the hand and take out the eye that causes them to sin(vv.7-9). Sin is separation from God. Reconciliation is worth cutting off a hand for.
He then reveals the heart of God with the story of the shepherd leaving the 99 for the one (v.12). Reconciliation is worth the risk of leaving the 99. God doesn’t want to lose one. Gaining a brother is a high priority. Then, when that one was brought back there was rejoicing (v.13). Reconciliation is worth celebrating.
Why be humble like a child? Why cut off a hand? Why leave the ninety-nine to search for the one? Why confront? Why hold others accountable? Why forgive? Because reconciled relationships are worth it.
It is worth confronting sin (v.15-16). It is worth including other believers if necessary (v.16). It is worth going through a process of church discipline if necessary (v.17). It is worth forgiving generously (vv.12-35).
When we do the right thing when we have been wronged, there is a reward, we gain people. When we respond to wrong with wrong, there is a consequence, we lose people. The results are predictable.
Have you been wronged? You may not have an easy option in front of you but there is a right option. Choose it.